SYL12 – Week 2: Define your values

I’ve always thought values were really quite useful in understanding what’s important to me and what is important to others. It has always helped me to accept people just as they are much more easily and helped me to see things from their point of view.

A great ad for McDonalds! This makes me sad

Image source

I remember having a conversation once with a friend about what their child eats. When it comes to my children, I value health quite highly and therefore when it comes to food choices they eat according to my values. They mainly eat organic produce because I know that the chemicals and sprays used on most fruits and vegetables are not at all good for their brain development or their poor little insides. They are allowed to make their own choices when it comes to what they eat, but they are also educated on how something makes them feel. For example, Gracie (4yo) knows that if she eats ice cream or something with lots of sugar she feels quite sad and grumpy afterwards and often has trouble getting to sleep. As for Evie (14m), well I’m afraid she still gets to eat what mummy and daddy provide for her, which is almost always healthy. So, this friend I was speaking with about food choices… she doesn’t think twice about feeding her 3 year old chips, soft drinks, ice cream and other desserts on a regular basis. In fact, she offers it to her child and sits there and eats it with him. As far as my values go, I’m screaming inside my head “Don’t you know what that is doing for his insides? Don’t you know how this is going to set him up for the rest of his life?”. Now, I know I’m painting myself to sound like a horrible, judgmental, witch-of-a-person here… but values are values. And health is important to me. But then I took a step back. And I thought about what sort of person she is. She is the loveliest, friendliest, most beautiful person I know! She is always the one to lend a hand, always the one to offer her support, always the one to show you she cares. She is the sort of person who doesn’t say no to a friend in need and will drop everything to offer her support. It seems as though she thinks of everyone else before herself. Although, perhaps that is not the case, and rather she is putting her values first. She places value on relationships, friendships and love. It is more important to her to love and be loved than anything else. She also places a lot of value on what others think of her. Doesn’t it make total sense now that she feeds her child chips because he likes them? She knows that if she feeds him what he wants all the time, he responds to her in a happier way. Even if it is only for the short term. She also knows that she would rather he eat dessert at a party because all of the rest of the children are – firstly because she doesn’t want him to think she is stopping him from doing something, and secondly because she doesn’t want to appear different to the other parents. What would they think of her?! She is also the sort of person who knows all of the dangers of medications, knows that health-wise her son is better to do a fever/temperature than for her to try and cool him down BUT she would rather he be comfortable than do a fever and therefore… out comes the Panadol.

This was a huge wake up call for me. Here we are, both with a totally different set of values and yet are either of us wrong or right? To begin with I thought she was wrong for feeding her child stuff that I deemed s*#t. And she thought I was wrong for acting in what she deemed a controlling and unloving manner. But are we not just living according to our own values? It appears so.

Of course, values change. We learn, we grow, we change.

But they are important to understand. And relationships work best when the 2 parties have a number of similar values. I often think how glad I am that Patrick values health. It makes parenting together much easier! But there are also values that differ between us, and we have had to work hard to understand those!

So as for this weeks challenge for Simplify Your Life 2012, I followed the steps for defining my values and these are the 5 words I narrowed them down to:

Happiness
Balance
Organisation
Respectful
Reliable

Health doesn’t even feature. Although when I think of happiness, I think it doesn’t come without the right building blocks (healthy food, healthy thoughts, healthy lifestyle). Is an unhealthy person really happy? When I think of balance I think of it as a healthy lifestyle and a person who is well-rounded with their thoughts, values, knowledge, choices and lifestyle. And when I think of organisation… well that is when our family is healthiest – we are organised with the grocery shopping, meal planning, exercise routines, work/play balance, etc.

I found it really hard to narrow down these values – the list of 15 values was much easier! But I think these ones are broad enough to summarise what my life and priorities are based on.